So I pulled the plug yesterday. No more nursing or pumping (except on a very minimal basis so that I don’t die). I feel like shit; like the worst mother ever in the history of mothers (which I know isn’t true but that’s what it FEELS like, okay?)
The truth is I’m not doing well at all mentally/emotionally and any benefit I might have been getting from trying different meds to improve my situation (thus allowing me to be a more present and capable parent) were completely nullified by my constant anxiety that the meds were hurting my babies.
I know many meds are safe (I took Zoloft throughout my pregnancy) but my team and I are looking to some less well-studied alternatives to try to fix my broken brain and I just wasn’t comfortable. So I had to choose.
And I chose the meds, and (hopefully) getting better, and being a better mom, and giving formula to my babies. So that we can all thrive together.
Right now it feels like an unbelievably selfish, painful, awful, irresponsible choice. I can only hope that will change with time.