Going back

I’m supposed to go back to work Monday. I can’t do it. My babies are so small. I am so tired. None of my non-sweat pants fit. I don’t remember how to lawyer and I kind of don’t want to.

But I have to go back to work. Because my babies are so small and I am so tired. I need to get out of the house and use my brain to plan something other than naps and feedings. I need to force myself to wear (possibly newly purchased bigger) pants. Or maybe just some loose fitting dresses.

The truth is I kind of want to stay home but mostly, I think, out of fear. Fear of a new process, a new schedule, fear of being behind at work, of being asked to take on tasks beyond my comfort zone. I don’t want to choose to stay home out of fear. 

But then, choosing work sometimes feels like a choice made out of fear, fear that I’m not the right “type” of mom to stay home, that I don’t have the patience, the interest, the social skills necessary to make sure my kids are happy and learning and socializing the way that they should be.

I do know that work is where my mind is distracted enough to rest. Work is something I can (mostly) control, with rules I understand and standards I can use to measure my performance. Motherhood has none of these things and that can make it very hard for me.

I love being a mom and I love being at home with my kiddos but that love is made stronger by being balanced with time away attending to challenging, non-mothering work. At least that is what has worked for me most of the time so far. I will wait to see what tomorrow brings and try not to borrow future problems in the meantime.

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