What scares me about having twins 

Obviously this isn’t some sort of preemptive pro-versus-con list. I have twins. Have had them for about four months now. And I wake up terrified on a regular basis.

I am hoping that by writing down what exactly I’m so scared of I might feel less scared, might be able to separate the legitimate fears from the irrational ones, might be able to take at least one or two things off the list completely, so here goes:

  • I’m scared I will never have the same individual relationship with either of my twins than I have with my first born because I could give him so much more attention and time than I can the twins.
  • I’m scared that I will choose to help the wrong one in an emergency. That I won’t know who needs me more.
  • I’m scared both they and I will always feel like I didn’t give them enough; like my loyalties were always divided in favor of one over the other.
  • I’m scared all of my fear and anxiety and sadness right now will damage them; that they will sense how broken and scared I am by their very existence.
  • I’m scared I will never not feel scared again.
  • I’m scared meeting all the demands of the twins will drive me and my older son apart.
  • I’m scared the same thing will drive me and my husband apart.
  • I’m scared the twins might ever sense my ambivalence about having then; ever know how much I wanted just one more baby and not two.
  • I’m scared I might one day just give in to the constant impulse to let go, let it all fall apart and just run away or disappear because I just can’t do this anymore.
  • I’m scared of spending the rest of my life giving everything I can and always feeing like it is never enough. (I read a post the other day that suggested this was just a fundamental part of parenthood and promptly burst into tears; it makes me want to die to think I will have to live my life feeling this way always).
  • I’m scared I’m going to spend the rest of time wishing this wasn’t my life but never being able to leave because I love them so much.

I’m hopeful that someday (soonish) I will be able to right a post listing all of the things I love about having twins. I’m just not there yet.

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