Sorry not sorry

I’m having one of those days were I feel stuck, trapped, like I’m suffocating under the weight of . . . something, like boredom but also anxiety. Everything feels tedious and yet desperately hard at the same time. There is a tightness in my chest, a lump in my throat, but for no reason that I can pinpoint exactly. Seasonal affective disorder maybe? Great. Another one for the list. Lack of sleep? Probably. But that’s basically my life right now and I don’t always feels this way. 

And there’s the guilt too, on top of the boring anxiety. Because my life is pretty great. I mean, I’m in it right now in terms of the difficulties that go along with parenting young children, but I also have three heathy kiddos, a super loving and supportive spouse, a lovely home, lots of family and friends supporting us during these early months. 

But I think I’m going to call bullshit on this last one. Just because there are positive things in my life doesn’t mean I should feel guilty for being sad, or bored, or anxious. My life is both great and hard and I’m allowed to feel the full range of emotions that go along with that. Today may be a hard day but it will pass. Tomorrow might be the same or it might be different. Whatever happens I’m allowed to just be in it. Just feeling all the feels and not trying to numb or control or clean or sleep or work them away is a lot for me, for anyone, I think. 

So I’m feeling stuck today. I don’t have to be sorry for that. I don’t owe anyone anything more than myself.

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