Getting back to normal

Assuming I could do anything, what might make my brain and heart less broken, more able to recognize and embrace the amazing life that I have right here, right now?

More sleep, no question. Not getting enough makes it virtually impossible for me to deal with anything else. The babes are doing so much better lately but my insomnia seems to think that just means it needs to work harder to make sure I’m never, ever well-rested again in my life.

More meds? Maybe. I feel like we’ve tried nearly every combo out there and nothing seems to quite fit. Plus I’m terrified of the going-on and coming-off side effects. I need to be as functional as possible right now, and messing too much with my meds is not helpful in that regard.

On the other hand, new meds, especially ones that may not screw up my libido so much could be very helpful. I miss sex, I miss wanting sex. But I also strongly prefer not being bat shit crazy, so it’s a tough call.

Therapy? Probably. But finding the time feels impossible. Also I kind of hate it. Which means I really should go. Ugh.

Couples therapy? Even scarier, but probably something we should talk about. Add it to the list. It’s a long list.

Yoga. I’m going once a week. It helps some but my mind never really shuts up. I may look like I’m doing extended side angle but I’m really writing my grocery list.

Running. I’m back at it, but only in small bites. My poor body is still pretty broken from the twins. Not sure it will ever be the same.

Reaching out. I’m texting all my best girls on a regular basis. Mostly “help!” And then “thank you.” And then “help!” again. Thank god they are all brilliant and not sick of me yet.

So, you see, I’m doing ALL THE THINGS, putting one foot in front of the other, breathing (even if it’s sometimes with my head between my knees) to bet back to a better place, to my normal, whatever that might be. It has to be better than this.

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