Scared

What must it be like to not feel scared all the time? Maybe scared isn’t the right word. Sometimes scared. Anxious, alway.

Heart racing from the minute I open my eyes. Blinking back tears over the smallest transgressions, imagined or otherwise.

Every new task requiring planning down to the smallest detail so I don’t screw up, please god don’t let me screw it up.

Heat rushing to my face even when the mistake is not mine, because somehow I am the mistake. Always. My fault. 

Longing just to spend one day without feeling like my skin has been put on inside out. Like my heart isn’t on display, but safely hidden in the dark, where it can seek and feel all the wrong things, without fear of being caught.

2 thoughts on “Scared

  1. I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time right now. I am thinking of you and hoping that things will even out and you’ll feel better. I thought of a book I read a while ago. Might be of some use in terms of someone to relate to a bit. It’s by Heather Armstrong who runs Dooce.com http://www.amazon.com/Sucked-Then-Cried-Breakdown-Margarita/dp/1439171505/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1453743612&sr=8-1&keywords=heather+armstrong

    Liked by 1 person

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