Lost and found

By evening, I am lost. Too much talking, too much touching, too much crying, too much whining, too much mama can you, mama will you, mama now please now. 

And because I cannot run away, or hide, or say no thank no, I am not mama tonight, I do what I have to do to make it through. I numb. I put a layer of something, anything in between myself and the world. Just enough to make it feel less like drowning and more like treading water, exhausting but survivable.

I numb until it is over. Until all the little mouths have been fed, bodies washed, foreheads kisses, backs rubbed. Then I numb a bit more, so I can sleep (or at least try to.)

And still, no matter what happens in the night, come morning I am found. 
I am found by their wide eyes and sideways smiles. Their full-bodied wriggling joyful welcomes as I claim them from their beds. Their warmth, their soft-headed babieness brings me home to myself. Lost and then found. Day after day.

8 thoughts on “Lost and found

  1. I’m a Dad.
    You are doing the hardest job on this planet.
    I know my wife feels this same way because She has told me.
    Just like when She has told me, the only thing I can think to do is to say.
    “what can I do to help?” and “Thank you. ”
    While I may not be able to help you. I can certainly tell you that the work you put into raising your children and taking care of your family is appreciated. So, “thank you.”

    all my best.

    Liked by 1 person

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