Shame

I still carry around so many shameful memories. 

Like letting boys do things to me I didn’t really want them to because I wanted them to like me and I didn’t know how to say no; 

betraying a friend for no good reason except some short term boost to my self-esteem or to feel “cool” in the eyes of other people who would never really be my friends anyway; 

drinking alone and then lying about it even though I was obviously drunk because I didn’t want to admit that maybe I shouldn’t be drinking at all.

What possible purpose does it serve to continue to carry around these awful moments and the hundreds of others like them? None.

Yet I hold on to each and every one with a white-knuckled grip, like losing them would somehow mean losing a part of myself. 

As if I need to keep these red-faced moments of shame close to keep me in line. To remind me of what a fuck-up I have been and might be again if I’m not careful.

Because I must be good now. There are the children to consider, after all. And I am the grown-up, the mom. 

There is a line now, so many lines actually, and I am not supposed to cross any of them, ever.

I have drawn myself into a corner and this is where I live, with my shameful memories, my many new responsibilities, and my aching heart.

9 thoughts on “Shame

  1. Why? To “keep you in line”? Sounds like they are already ingrained within you, and what you need now it to let go, and make space for much more positive memories that shape your future and cleanse/dilute the ingrained past.

    Of course, that’s just one view point …

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I often ask myself the same questions about why I hold onto horrific and embarrassing moments of my life. It’s because it’s part of Me. and I can’t separate them out of me any more than I can disown my own DNA. I don’t envy the feelings you describe. All i can say is I think I understand what you mean.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You’re special no matter what you may think, because you’te made in the image of God, which means not only are you unique and special you don’t need anyone to validate you because he already has. PLEASE KNOW THAT THROUGH YOUR STRUGGLES AND HEARTACHE YOU’RE NOT ALONE. THERE’S NO ONE ON EARTH LIKE YOU.

    Like

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