After nearly 15 years together, you would think my husband and and I could just talk to each other, about anything. But I’ve actually found the opposite to be true. The closer we become, the more my life has become entangled with his, the more I depend on him to be there day after day, the harder it is for me to speak my mind. There’s just so much at stake.
What if I say the wrong thing? Once I say it out loud I can’t take it back, not really.
He is the father of my children and the other half of my bank account. He is my emergency contact in every possible way. I can’t lose him. But I can’t talk to him either.
The worst part is I don’t know why. He says I can tell him anything. He’s proven, over and over again, that I can do the worst thing imaginable and he will still love me. Even so, I am convinced that deep-down I am so unlovable eventually he’ll figure it out. He’ll figure it out and he will leave me.
So I don’t talk to him out of fear. Also because I don’t know what I want to say; where I want to start. It’s just so much; it’s our whole lives.
I mean, what if we talk and we realize that this isn’t going to work? That’s worst-case scenario right? We talk, we really talk, about who we are and what we want, and we realize that we don’t want each other. What happens then? To us, to our children?
Or what if we try to talk and realize that we simply have nothing to say to each other? Nothing that really matters anyway. Is that any different? How can our marriage work if we don’t have anything real to say to each other anymore? If baby nap schedules and toddler play dates are all we have left between us?
I suppose if that is what we’re going to discover, the deepest darkest secret we’ve been not talking about all these years, we should probably get to it as quickly as possible, right? Because maybe we can fix it. Maybe it’s not too late.
Or maybe this is just a season in our life together when we don’t have much to say that seems important because everything we do to keep our growing family happy and healthy means so much. We speak in actions every minute of every day, and words when we have the time.
You say I love you by going to work and I say it back by putting the babies to bed. We say this is hard but we can do it, by clearing the table together, each of us with a babe in arms and an eye on their older brother. We say I’m so glad you’re here with me, when we hug before falling asleep, or touch each other in the hallway as we pass from one crying child’s room to the next in the middle of the night.
I would like to really talk more about us and me and how we are doing and what could be better, but I think maybe we are doing okay after all. We love each other the best we can each day and we keep going. There will be time to talk more again soon. I suppose this is just a season among many.