Truth in Science

I propose the following questions be added to any sort of substance-abuse related questionnaire intended to gauge whether you are in fact an addict (be it alcohol, narcotics, whatever you can get you damn hands on):

  1. Are you the mom (meaning are you per-disposed by evolution to have a near heart attack whenever you hear you child cry, stir in bed, or make some noise that may appear non-threatening but that you’ve never heard said child make before)?
  2. Do your children nap well/at all?
  3. Do your children sleep through the night? Does your husband?
  4. Relatedly, it’s not really drinking alone if the babies are just napping, or hubby is right upstairs sleeping, right?
  5. Are you a SAHM? Congrats! Doubles all day long.
  6. Working mom? Let’s save the doubles for the evening (absent a power lunch).
  7. Do seemingly benign accidents (spilled breast milk, spill formula, spilled anything on freshly cleaned floors) bring you to tears?
  8. Do you sometimes (often) wonder if perhaps you and your partner aren’t actually so well suited for one another, especially as co-parents?
  9. Do you think about running away (often, sometimes, incessantly)?
  10. What is your drink of preference and why? (e.g. wine, because it socially acceptable and high in alcohol content; preferably white because it’s not. such a dead give way on my teeth)?
  11. Do you generally feel like a good/competent parent unless your co-parent is around, when even untended observation feel like attacks or your fitness as a parent (as if the internal attacks experienced just about every minute or every day weren’t enough)?
  12. Do you have multiples (sister, do what you gotta do). End of survey.

Honestly, it’s not that I’m particularly pro-drinking. I hardly drank at all in my twenties. Ironically, I didn’t like feeling out of control. Now, I drink because I’m too much in control, have too much to be in control off, and it scares the shit out of me . . . every single day. And so I drink, more on some days, less on others, to make it all feel doable. Because it needs to be doable. There’s no other choice.

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