I propose the following questions be added to any sort of substance-abuse related questionnaire intended to gauge whether you are in fact an addict (be it alcohol, narcotics, whatever you can get you damn hands on):
- Are you the mom (meaning are you per-disposed by evolution to have a near heart attack whenever you hear you child cry, stir in bed, or make some noise that may appear non-threatening but that you’ve never heard said child make before)?
- Do your children nap well/at all?
- Do your children sleep through the night? Does your husband?
- Relatedly, it’s not really drinking alone if the babies are just napping, or hubby is right upstairs sleeping, right?
- Are you a SAHM? Congrats! Doubles all day long.
- Working mom? Let’s save the doubles for the evening (absent a power lunch).
- Do seemingly benign accidents (spilled breast milk, spill formula, spilled anything on freshly cleaned floors) bring you to tears?
- Do you sometimes (often) wonder if perhaps you and your partner aren’t actually so well suited for one another, especially as co-parents?
- Do you think about running away (often, sometimes, incessantly)?
- What is your drink of preference and why? (e.g. wine, because it socially acceptable and high in alcohol content; preferably white because it’s not. such a dead give way on my teeth)?
- Do you generally feel like a good/competent parent unless your co-parent is around, when even untended observation feel like attacks or your fitness as a parent (as if the internal attacks experienced just about every minute or every day weren’t enough)?
- Do you have multiples (sister, do what you gotta do). End of survey.
Honestly, it’s not that I’m particularly pro-drinking. I hardly drank at all in my twenties. Ironically, I didn’t like feeling out of control. Now, I drink because I’m too much in control, have too much to be in control off, and it scares the shit out of me . . . every single day. And so I drink, more on some days, less on others, to make it all feel doable. Because it needs to be doable. There’s no other choice.