My skin and hair look terrible. My shoulder and neck hurt with a horrible dull ache that I know will last for days. I feel disgusting for eating ten times as much dinner and dessert last night than I should have. Work is boring and yet anxiety inducing. And I’m on my own tonight with the kids.
At this moment, I want to make myself small, so small I disappear. To not eat. To take something, a drink, a pill, that will make all of this disgust and discomfort fade away, or at least dull it to the point I feel not so bad; like I can keep going.
I know this feeling will pass. I know my brain is fucking with me. But that doesn’t make it feel any less real. This is what it’s like in my head these days, more often than not. It is misery and it is my life and I have got to figure out a better way.
I’m trying to stop numbing. I’ve calendered my first AA meeting for next week. I’ve told my husband and my shrink and my best girls. I’ve scheduled therapy.
Given that the twins are nearly 9 months, it may be time to stop chalking this all up to post partum hormones. Maybe I’m just broken. I thought this might happen. That having multiples would break me. I just hope I can be fixed. That I can fix this. Soon.