Same but different

I’m switching therapists again. And going back to my old doc for med management. 

I took the babies to Idaho last weekend to (finally) meet my dad, who has been in and out of the hospital since this past fall. It was a very quick, logistically difficult trip (nothing is easy with newly mobile twin infants but plane travel is hellish). Our au pair came with me, thank god. And it was wonderful to see my family and have my dad meet grandkids 5 and 6.

Re-entry was chaotic Sunday and Monday but now it’s Tuesday and I’m realizing that, although in many ways I feel the same (anxious, sad, overwhelmed), I also feel a bit different. 

I’m really excited about my new therapist (first full session tomorrow night) and I’m glad to be back with my old doc for med management. She’s lovely and responsive and really wants to help me figure out how to feel better (to the extent meds can help with that). 

More importantly, I have taken time and been brave and really talked with my husband, my parents, and my best girls, about how low I have been and what I have done there. No more secret shameful things that no one knows about. It’s out and I’m still here and they all still love me. That is a gift and I am so thankful.

Through these same talks, and also a lot of internal dialogue and scribbling, I feel a great deal closer to identifying at least some of the things I can do to feel better, not everyday better, but more good days than bad sort of better.

I am a working mother of three small children. Being anxious is not abnormal and isn’t going to go away. I’ve also suffered from depression for a long time. That too is unlikely to change. But I can change. I can change what I say to myself in my head, what I do to care for myself, how open I am with others when I feel hurt and angry, how often I ask for help. I can tell my anxious, sad, OCD mind that it can stay, but it can’t be in charge anymore.

I can learn (hopefully) to get out of my head and just be in my life; even when it hurts, especially when it does. I can push through it. I have no doubt that if things were to continue as they have been going, my mind would likely kill my body eventually. I won’t let that happen. 

Taking different meds and going to therapy won’t change who I am, but hopefully they can help me to be and feel different enough that whatever has been going on the past nearly ten months will no longer be my every day. I will try and keep trying. This is a fight I can’t afford to lose.

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