I don’t envy 

I don’t envy the women who never wanted children and therefore never had them.

I envy the women who though they might want children but had enough sense of self, even in their 20s or 30s, to realize they were not fit to be mothers, for one reason or for many. 

Had I had only one child I might never have realized my unfitness. Having three, it became glaringly clear, but also far too late. They are here. I am there mother. I am doing the best that I can. I am afraid. And sad, anxious, obsessive, compulsive, self-destructive, naracisstic, and everything else I was before I had kids times a million.

4 thoughts on “I don’t envy 

  1. You are a mom. You’re not worse or better. You have your struggles. You’ll love those precious babies until forever and they love you right back because you did the best you could! And it will be enough!

    Liked by 1 person

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