After a year of fighting almost daily to reach some semblance of the “normal” many people wake up to without effort, I have learned that it was never a fair fight to begin with. It seems I have been bringing a knife to a gun fight every single f*ing day for over 13 months now.
I have been doing ALL THE THINGS and nothing has worked, not for any sustained amount of time. And I had become so afraid that nothing we tried ever would work. That I would always have more bad days than good, more panic attacks, more days when dragging myself out of bed to make my small child a peanut butter and jelly sandwich feels like more work than I can possibly accomplish in a lifetime.
Turns out I, or we, or whoever is in charge of these things was wrong about what is (most likely) actually wrong with me. Also, what we have been using to try to make me feel better may actually have been making me feel worse. Double trouble.
And yet, my strongest reaction to this news has been relief. What I have been through this past year means so little compared to what my life might be like in a matter of weeks or months of getting the right treatment for the right condition. I had felt so hopeless in recent weeks, so uncertain of ever getting back to baseline, of ever feeling safe and stable and like myself again. But now, I am hopeful. A little freaked out, but mostly hopeful.
On Monday, I thought, at least fleetingly, that maybe a year of fighting was long enough; that I was too tired and too sad to battle my way back to normal even one more day. After my barrage of interviews and testing and ultimate diagnosis on Wednesday, I felt almost giddy with relief. On Monday, I knew that something was going to have to give, and soon. And it did, but not at all in the way I expected.
It feels like the slate has been wiped clean. The past is done and gone. We are starting over, with better information and a higher likelihood of success. And while I know none of this is going to be easy, that in all likelihood I am going to feel worse before I can start feeling better, I also know I got this.
We can do hard things, according to my girl G. And she’s right and I can and I will. And then maybe I get to take a break for awhile from the hard things and just be. That sounds heavenly.