Things have been rough the past few weeks. Major depressive episode plus extreme anxiety is the most awful mental state I have ever experienced. I walk around all day, every day worried, annoyed and even angry that everything in my life is a mess (e.g. my house, my backyard, my car, my kids, my professional life) but am too depressed to do anything about it. In other words, I am simultaneously furious about all the things that need to be “fixed” and overwhelmed by the idea of fixing any of them. It all feels too pointless to bother.
As I’ve struggled, my ruminations have gone from broad to very narrow. Now, my mind endlessly pleads to go back, back to being the person I used to be before all of this shit happened. I remember years of consistent psychological stability; kicking ass at multiple tough jobs; reading great big books because I could both concentrate and sit still. I remember eating amazing food on dates with my husband, making him laugh from across the table without having to consciously work at it. I remember being good and relatively content — as a person, a friend, a wife, a co-worker — without having to do anything except be myself.
All during the year leading up to my breakdown, I felt my confidence, my sense of self, my values and beliefs, slipping away. People close to me can readily attest to my abnormal behavior, including substance-abuse, lying, recklessness and poor work performance, assuming I showed up at all. There were days when I got up, got dressed, drove my son to preschool and then simply drove back home and went to bed, instead of going to work. By the end, all I could do without significant effort was sleep and cry.
Taking leave from work to go to treatment was a very hard and, to me at the time, a very shameful decision. It felt like admitting I was weak, like pulling back the curtain and revealing I wasn’t who everyone thought I was after all. I was an imposter, a fake and all my efforts to prove otherwise had not only failed but had broken me in some fundamental way.
Despite my misgivings, I left work and went to IOP and doing so probably saved my life. Without a proper diagnosis and proper medication, I doubt I would still be here. But that doesn’t mean things are easier now. Being diagnosed with late onset bipolar disorder 2 did not provide a map for getting back to who I was. It confirmed that the woman I was no longer exists.
Often, I feel I am walking around inside the shell of the person I used to be, looking at the world through her eyes, living in her house with her family, mothering her children and working to build a strong relationship with her husband. But I am not her.
We look quite similar on the outside, but on the inside we are two different people. The small cracks that appeared in my mind after the twins were born grew into canyons under the pressure of mothering, working and caring for our household, without taking any time to care for myself. Eventually, those canyons split entire continents of psychological existence apart and those continents floated away. I do not think about my life or live it the way she did. And it breaks my heart to know she is gone, that I will never be her again.
There is no going back in time to when I did not have a bipolar disorder, or three small children or a sense of ease and confidence in being myself. There is only me as I exist today.
There is the hard work to stay well and to care for my kids. There is the hard work to dig deep into my marriage so it can be the rock our kids stand on to feel safe. There is the courage to be vulnerable in asking for what I need and expressing my disatisfsction with the status quo without knowing what the response will be. There is the constant internal battle between what I know I can do and what think I should do to contribute to our family’s well-being, while also respecting my own needs and health. There is guilt and relief, fear and freedom. Most of all, there is a lack of certainty about pretty much everything.
What I do know is that she, the woman I was before, is gone. And mourning her is wasted time and energy better spent living my life now. “Unanticipated” is not an inherently negative word. It is synonymous with, among other words, fortuitous, stunning and amazing. I plan do whatever it takes to eventually use one of those words to describe the result of the unanticipated turn of events in my life.
I will weave my parachute out of everything broken; my scars will be my shield; and I will jump.
(The italicized sentence above and the title of this post are paraphrased excerpts from William Stafford’s poem, Any Time, which, like all of his poetry, is fucking amazing).